Letting Go to Find Your Calm

Letting Go of What You Can’t Control—and Embracing What You Can

How Nervous System Awareness Helps Us Stress Less, Focus More, and Strengthen Our Connections

Most of us know the advice: “Focus on what you can control.”
But in moments of stress, that’s often the hardest thing to do.

When we try to manage outcomes, predict others’ reactions, or hold responsibility for everything and everyone, our nervous system senses a threat—even when the threat isn’t real. Shoulders tighten. Breathing becomes shallow. The mind races. This is our body stepping into protection mode.

Letting go isn’t passive. It’s a nervous-system informed skill that helps us direct our energy toward what will actually create change, clarity, and calm.

Why Trying to Control Everything Increases Stress

When we try to control things outside our influence—other people’s moods, unexpected outcomes, timing, uncertainty—our nervous system often shifts into:

• Fight: Pushing hard, overworking, trying to fix everything

• Flight: Overthinking, worrying, avoiding

• Freeze: Feeling stuck or overwhelmed

• Fawn: People-pleasing or over-accommodating

These states are not character flaws; they are survival responses.

But they can drain energy, limit creativity, and put pressure on our relationships.

Shifting back to what is within our control helps the nervous system return to a regulated state—calmer, clearer, more grounded.

What You Can Control

You can't control someone’s reaction.
You can control your response.

You can’t control uncertainty.
You can control how you support yourself through it.

You can’t control outcomes.
You can control your preparation, boundaries, and perspective.

This shift doesn’t just calm the mind—it calms the body.

Thought Reframes That Reduce Stress

Reframing is not pretending everything is fine. It’s choosing a more balanced, realistic perspective.

Try these:

• Instead of: “I have to make this perfect.”
  Reframe: “I can show up fully and adapt if needed.”

• Instead of: “I should have prevented this.”
  Reframe: “I made the best decision I could at the time.”

• Instead of: “I need everyone to be okay with my choices.”
  Reframe: “Others’ reactions aren’t mine to manage.”

• Instead of: “I don’t know what will happen.”
  Reframe: “I can handle what comes, one step at a time.”

Reframes help the nervous system shift out of threat mode and into regulation.

Strategies to Support Your Nervous System

These skills help anchor your focus back to what you can influence:

1. Lengthen the Exhale

Slow, extended exhales signal safety to the brain.

This reduces physical tension and creates mental space for problem-solving.

2. Identify One Controllable Step

When everything feels overwhelming, pick one concrete action:

Send the email

Take a 10-minute break

Write down the next step

Ask a clarifying question

The brain responds well to clarity.

3. Release Mental Load

Write down everything that’s outside your control.

Seeing it on paper reduces the mental weight your nervous system carries.

4. Move Your Body

Movement helps release stress hormones and reset the system.

Even a short walk can shift your state.

How to Apply These Skills in the Workplace

Workplaces are full of uncontrollable factors—deadlines, team dynamics, communication styles, organizational changes.

Here are specific ways to use these strategies:

Shift from Perfection to Presence

Instead of striving to control every detail, focus on doing your best in the moment.

This reduces anxiety and increases productivity.

Set Clear Boundaries

You cannot control how coworkers feel about your boundaries.

You can control how you communicate them:

“I’m available until 4 PM today.”

“I can help with X, but not Y.”

“Let’s schedule this so I can give it my full attention.”

Clear boundaries reduce overwhelm and help your nervous system stay regulated.

Pause Before Reacting

When stress rises during meetings or difficult conversations, try a slow exhale.

Responding from regulation leads to better collaboration and fewer misunderstandings.

Focus on Influence, Not Control

You can’t control the direction of every project—but you can contribute your expertise, communicate proactively, and advocate for what’s important.

This shift strengthens confidence and reduces burnout.

How to Apply These Skills in Personal and Professional Relationships

Relationships—whether with partners, family, friends, or colleagues—often trigger control patterns rooted in fear:

• Fear of disappointing others

• Fear of not being enough

• Fear of conflict

• Fear of losing connection

Here’s how to bring more calm and clarity to your relationships:

Practice “My Part / Their Part” Thinking

Ask yourself:

• What is mine to manage?

• What belongs to the other person?

This helps you release unnecessary emotional labor.

Use Regulated Communication

When your nervous system is calm, conversations become clearer and more compassionate.
Try:

• “Here’s how I’m feeling, and here’s what I need.”

• “Can we revisit this when we’re both calmer?”

• “I want us to understand each other, not rush this.”

Let Go of Mindreading

You cannot control what others think or assume.
The antidote is clarity:

• Ask questions

• Share your perspective

• Avoid filling in the blanks with fear-based stories

Allow Others to Have Their Emotions

You can support someone without fixing everything for them.
Letting them have their own emotional process reduces pressure on both sides.

Letting go is not giving up. It is choosing to place your energy, time, and emotional capacity where it can actually make a difference.

When you embrace what you can control—your breath, your choices, your boundaries, your responses—your nervous system finds stability.
And from that stability comes clarity, resilience, and meaningful change.

This is where calm and confidence begin to take root.

Do you want support to implement these strategies?

Not sure how to implement this or still feeling stress, be in touch. I am here to help you. Contact me to schedule a free consultation session.